Introduction
When I first discovered attachment theory, I excitedly messaged my partner to tell her that I wasn’t crazy, I just had an insecure attachment style.
Her response:
“Sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”
Insecure attachment: triggered.
Pain: inevitable.
Suffering: repeatedly chosen.
Many of us struggle with insecure attachment styles, carrying the weight of past hurts into our present relationships.
We crave love and security, but our fears and anxieties make us behave in patterns that sabotage our chances of finding them.
What Sophie (not her real name) had said was true. It was a ‘me’ problem.
I could have interpreted this as my power, taking responsibility for something that I, and I alone, was able to change.
Instead, I interpreted it as an attack on my self-worth and a lack of interest from Sophie in me as a partner.
You might recognise this as a pattern that shows up in your relationships.
You don’t want to get defensive, you want to be close to your partner.
Whatever you do, you always seem to end up pushing them away or distancing yourself from experiencing healthy love and connection.
While these patterns weren't your choice, you can choose your path forward.
Understanding What's Holding You Back–And What to Do About It
Your Label Is Keeping You Stuck
Attachment labels, like “anxious-preoccupied” or “avoidant-dismissive”, can help you understand why certain patterns of behaviour are so familiar to you.
I had an “anxious-preoccupied” attachment style, and I would parade it like a badge of honour.
“Please be more understanding of my ‘anxious-preoccupied’ attachment style, Sophie. When you do X, it makes me feel anxious that you’re going to leave.”
But, when you identify too strongly with these descriptions, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies:
- The anxiously attached person's fear of abandonment becomes the force that strains their relationship
- The avoidant's protective distance creates the loneliness they secretly fear
- The disorganised’s push-pull fosters the confusion they are desperate to minimise
As you subconsciously act out these patterns in your relationship, you become accustomed to the ups and downs and they start to define you.
Unconsciously, you try to live up to this label.
You stay stuck in repeating patterns of behaviour because when it’s all you know, it’s all that is.
In my case, I started to understand that I was limited by my label.
Feeling powerless and at the mercy of Sophie’s acceptance and understanding. I was driven to compulsively seek her reassurance.
I was anxiously attached, after all, and that’s what I did.
But it wasn’t what I had to do.
I started to work on my personal insecurities through journaling, affirmations and eating right.
This helped me reduce the reassurance I was seeking from Sophie, finding it from within myself.
In turn, this helped me view my relationship more objectively.
Sophie wasn’t treating me with respect and love–at all.
The less I identified with my label, the more awareness I was able to bring to my behaviours.
I developed more confidence in my decisions and I felt myself moving closer and closer to a state of secure attachment.
By understanding the limitations of your label, you can shed it and bring awareness to how specific behaviours affect your relationships.
Adjusting one behaviour at a time creates space for definitive growth.
Steps you can take to bring awareness to specific behaviours:
- List three ways your attachment label has influenced your recent relationship decisions
- Challenge one behaviour this week that you've attributed to your attachment style
- Practice catching yourself when you say "I'm just anxiously attached" and replace it with "I'm learning to build secure relationships"
Not Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting, communicating and upholding healthy boundaries can be a terrifying prospect for someone with an insecure attachment style.
Without healthy boundaries, a relationship descends into emotional anarchy.
I used to be afraid that having boundaries made me controlling.
I didn’t want to build a wall to keep love out. I wanted to be open to all possibilities.
I thought that being "easy-going" and available would make me more lovable.
Instead, it left me feeling depleted and triggered, perpetuating the insecurities I was trying to heal.
Everything changed for me in late December 2023.
I’d shed my label, I was growing more secure in myself and I had a healthy set of boundaries that I’d been able to communicate and uphold with Sophie.
Boundaries that were about to be tested.
Sophie had gone abroad for a week-long work trip.
With Christmas shortly following her return, we made festive plans to accommodate my son, her parents and a host of other social activities.
On the night before she was due to return, she messaged me telling me that she had changed her flight to return a day later than planned.
No ifs, no buts, she was staying an extra night and that was that.
Something didn’t feel right.
We had spoken earlier in the day, and there was no inkling she might extend her stay.
Why the sudden change?
Throughout the week she had been talking about how wonderful it was going to feel to be returning to the warm love of her partner and his son.
Her message was casual, curt and kind of hurtful.
Where had this authoritarian tone come from?
Having a reasonable command over my triggered insecurities, I took a moment to check in with myself.
“OK,” I said. “What’s made you change your mind?”
Her boss had suddenly changed her flights while they were at the company’s end-of-year party because she was simply too exhausted to travel, she told me.
“OK,” I said again. “I appreciate that you’re exhausted. I’m surprised you made that decision without speaking to me first, as we have plans for tomorrow.”
What came back from Sophie was a tirade of blame, excuses and insults.
No empathy, no accountability and no real discussion about how her behaviour would affect me.
Of course, the healing insecure attachment side of me wanted to roll over, agree with who was to blame, appease her excuses and accept her criticism.
Securely attached me, backed by my boundaries, was having none of it.
Communication boundary: violated.
Accountability boundary: violated.
Respectful language boundary: violated.
This certainly wasn’t the first instance that Sophie had crossed these boundaries but it was, near enough, the last.
Staying an extra night wasn’t the issue.
Treating me disrespectfully was.
We broke up shortly after Christmas.
Healthy boundaries aren’t tools for control, nor are they walls.
They are powerful reminders of your worth, your needs, and your right to feel safe in your relationships.
Your sacred space in which healthy love can flourish is protected by boundaries.
I’m not saying I found it easy to break up with Sophie - far from it. I was still healing and my insecure attachment was pinging like crazy.
But this wasn’t healthy love, I was worth more, my needs were far from being met and I did not feel safe in this relationship.
Healthy boundaries grounded me and helped me build respect for myself.
If you’re struggling with boundaries, start small by noticing what feels right and what doesn’t.
Learn to trust that voice in your head that whispers ”This doesn’t feel good”.
Once you feel confident in that voice try these steps:
- Identify one boundary you need but haven't set
- Script out exactly how you'll communicate this boundary
- Set a specific date within the next week to have this conversation
- Create a plan for after you have set your boundary
Conclusion
The journey to secure attachment isn't about becoming perfect—it's about becoming whole.
I learned that true healing happens when we stop wearing our attachment styles like badges and start seeing them as chapters in a story we're still writing.
Your past has shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you.
Every time you honour a boundary, question a label or choose self-awareness over self-judgment, you're taking one step closer to the secure, nurturing relationships you deserve.
Some days will feel like victories, others like setbacks—and that's OK.
You're not broken; you're becoming.
And while the path isn't always clear, you already have everything you need to begin this journey toward secure, healthy love—starting with the courage it took to read these words.
For more on attachment styles, try this great read by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller:
